In My Heart

Have you read the book, In My Heart: A Book of Feelings? It is really beautiful. This is the book that Isabelle asked me to read to her tonight.

I am thankful for my children everyday, but today I am especially moved by their ability to bring clarity. Today, in my heart, I have experienced many emotions. Anger. Sadness. Despair. Pride. Hopefulness. 

While I was putting Isabelle to bed tonight she mentioned that when she was doing yoga with Ms. Bodurtha, her kindergarten teacher, she did a Bye Bye Boat. Isabelle explained that you put all of the anger or thoughts you don't want to have in the bye bye boat and they sail off. Isabelle explained that this helps the kids in class focus on their relaxation. I love her. And I love her teacher. 

I need something akin to a Bye Bye Boat right now so I am writing. 

Today, a decision was made not to prosecute the two police officers who shot and killed Jamar Clark last November. I stand in solidarity with all of those who are in pain because of this murder and lack of accountability and I can not begin to understand how this feels for communities of color in Minneapolis and nationally. I am filled with anger, sadness and despair because of the message this sends to many of my past students, my family members, and my friends. I stand with you and pray for healing. This is when my heart is sad. 

Yesterday, my sister and her family flew back to Washington DC and I miss them terribly. I am thankful for all that we shared during their visit, but my heart is sad without them. Here are the things I miss the most:
1. Leo- I miss hearing his voice and overhearing the conversations he and Henry shared. Leo is an amazing kid and his presence is missed by everyone in our home.
2. Mae- I miss hearing her sing Bruno Mars every morning. There are few things greater than hearing her recite lines such as "Michelle Pfeiffer, that white gold." Also, I have no one to take and eat the peas off of my plate now.
3. Aaron- I miss Aaron's patience and the calmness he brings to the family. I think we can all learn from how Aaron interacts with everyone he encounters.
4. Sister- I miss watching Friday Night Lights with Katie, unpacking her suitcase so she wouldn't leave, and the way she lives out her core value of family in everything she does.

Great visits that have to come to an end are difficult. This is when my heart misses family.

Throughout the day I experienced many moments of anger, sadness, and despair. However, I did find a few ways to feel a sense of hope moving forward:

-I just checked Facebook and saw that one of my co-workers is out at the protest for the justice of Jamar Clark. He may feel the anger, sadness, and despair that many of us our experiencing. The difference is that he is out taking action and standing up for what is right. He wrote, "My liberation is tied to yours." I admire him for standing, very literally, in solidarity. I feel hopeful that many communities are coming together to protest and speak out against injustice. The pain is palpable, but the power of people organizing around making change is real. 

-As I was thinking about sister today and feeling blue, I started to think about the turning of the seasons. Spring is on the way and that will give way to summer. And then, we will be back together in Washington DC, spending time as a family, creating lasting relationships between cousins and more memories to help make the distance less difficult. 

-And then there was teacher leader, Colleen. Today I had the opportunity to hear Colleen testify in front of the house finance committee as to why increasing funding for teacher preparation programs that expand teacher diversity is vital. Colleen spoke from her own experience as a teacher of color and why it is urgent that our students see themselves in their teachers. My heart was filled with hope as Colleen spoke her truth. I believe in the power of teacher voice and the importance of creating policy change that impacts the classroom. I am thankful for Colleen's courage and passion and I admire the dedication of the teachers I work with each day. 

As I tucked Henry into bed tonight, we talked about his day. He told me a few highlights and a few lowlights and said, "sometimes it is all too much." I agree. We move through our days with anger or sadness or despair and sometimes it is too much. But, sometimes finding the hope helps. Sometimes, "My heart grows tall, like a plant reaching toward the sky. This is when my heart feels hopeful."

Change: a transformation or modification; alteration.

The last time I sat down to write, Isabelle was turning 5. It was April 20th and today is June 1st. I don't measure that as a very long period of time, but let me go on record stating that May was the craziest month I can remember. Just about every aspect of my life that I thought of as normal, changed. 

On April 27th, we sold and moved out of our very first home. 

When we walked away from 684 I felt as though I was leaving a part of my life I was not ready to let go of. It was really hard. When we lived there, life was normal. I knew where things were, the kids had routines, and all of the smells were comforting. 

Change is really challenging. We are so fortunate to have such wonderful family and friends who really guided us and supported us through the process. We were not able to close on our new home until May 15th. We had 19 days with no home. My generous aunt and uncle offered to let us stay with them in Stillwater while we were in between homes. We moved to Stillwater and adjusted pretty quickly. Feelings of displacement are quickly erased when you move in with people like Beth and Gaylen Reetz. Their kind hearts made the transition smooth and fun. We felt at home and the days passed quickly (at least for our family). The kids had a lot of room to play and explore and Nick and I had a nice break from packing and moving.

On May 15th, we closed on our new house in Apple Valley and moved in.

We are pretty settled in the house and feeling really great about the move. The kids are enjoying their seperate rooms and more space to play. When you make the choice to change housing, life tends to push into high impact and anxiety mode. But, when the work is done and the house is a home, the struggle of change is well worth any discomfort it may cause. 

Here's the other thing: it seemed appropriate to try to find a job during the month of May. I've stayed home with the kids for the past five years, knowing I would return to work when Isabelle entered kindergarten. I thought about going back to teaching and started sending out my resume. I figured nothing would come of it during May. And, it didn't. But, I also applied to some other educational organizations- one being Educators 4 Excellence. I was granted a phone interview. Then, I was asked to complete a project. Next, an in person interview. I thought I was finished, but was invited in for lunch to meet the team. Lastly, a phone interview with the CEO. This was happening while we were in transition and moving into our new home. I'm surprised I made it through alive. 

Last Thursday I received a call from Educators 4 Excellence with a job offer. I will begin working for the organization on July 13th as an outreach director. The ultimate change. I was so excited to receive the offer and relieved to have secured a job. But, I am deeply saddened at the thought of leaving my kiddos. I pretty much move between screaming excitement to heaving sobs. Holy cow! 

So, some things have changed in the past month and many will continue to as summer starts. But, that's the thing about life- it's constantly moving, constantly changing. With each change comes growth and new opportunity, happiness and beauty. I just have to get through the transition to realize all of the greatness that comes from big change. 

On the Eve of 5

Our youngest, Isabelle, turns 5 tomorrow. I must pay tribute to her and how her spirit teaches me something new every single day. On the day she was born, we all got a little better.

We had a birthday celebration for Belle on Saturday. She requested a "nail polish party." I thought this would mean some kids would come to the house to have nails painted and share a cupcake. Isabelle clarified. We were to go to the "nail polish company" to have nails painted. So, we did.

The party was a smashing success. The kids were amazing and cute and friendly. All the little girls sat completely still and silent while they had their fingers and toes painted. After, we all linked hands and walked to a coffee shop for cupcakes. Pure sweetness.

Next, I present the Isabelle top 5 in honor of her 5th birthday: 

5. Isabelle is obsessed with Micheal Jackson. She insists we call her wildstyle Lego figure from the Lego movie Michael Jackson.

She also believes that she often looks like him. Here is an example of when she felt this way: 

4. Isabelle fashioned a new hairstyle:

She calls these "fashion patties" and requests them often. This is a prime example of a hairdo from a mom who does not know how to style hair. 

3. Recently, Isabelle started using the phrase, "fashion is my kryptonite." It has turned into a song that goes like this:

Fashion is my kryptonite, I don't need a thing tonight

Twist is, turn it, yes that's right

Fashion is my kryptonite

2. Isabelle continues to hold the strongest bond to her big brother. They are best friends. At night, Nick reads a story to the kids. After he leaves, Henry grabs his flashlight and goes to Isabelle's bed to read her another story. They make each other laugh. And cry. But, they always come back to each other. Always. 

1. This:

Isabelle is full of spunk and sweetness. If I put on something new or that she hasn't seen before she will gasp and say, "you're so beautiful, mama!" Isabelle will give me the business and turn around the next minute to admit she made a bad choice. I admire her love of life, her joy in learning new things, her creativity, and her heart. 

When Isabelle was born she brought me back to life. Isabelle insists I show up for life everyday and I work to honor her gifts. Thank you for coming into the world, Isabelle, and giving us all new life. Happy birthday. 

Undivided Attention

For the past several years now the beginning of spring seems to coincide with some pretty big life challenges: hard decisions, life changes, transitions. Spring is a time of renewal and rebirth, change and freshness. I'm always reminded of these two quotes at this time of year: 

"When you lay life and death right next to each other like that, like spring does, you see it more clearly: how violent God's love is; how risky her/his timing; and how close on the heels of despair joy starts rising." 

"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."

So, here I am thinking of these statements and trying to put my stress into perspective. I tend to equate life with emojis and this is me right now: 😬. I'm pretty confident I have TMJ. It's cool, coping with stress productively just isn't my cup of tea. 

When I'm faced with factors beyond my control, my pal anxiety rolls in and sets up shop. I'd rather she not visit, but with the sale of our house, new home purchase, and the need to secure employment by fall on my to do list it is hard to avoid. I can't control if the closing on our home goes smoothly. I can't control whether or not offers on homes are accepted. I can't control whether or not someone wants to hire me. But, I can take deep breaths, grab my perspectacles, and reflect on those two handy quotes. When I think rationally, I know all of the upcoming changes will bring with them joy and prosperity. It's just that getting to that rational lady is sometimes tough. Anxiety comes heavily armed. 

On Saturday evening, Henry and Isabelle helped me. We had just arrived home after looking at nine houses and I was pretty spent. I was putting things away and trying to decompress when the kids requested I come up to their restaurant. I can't lie, I didn't want to. But, as I surveyed the scene I knew nothing I was doing needed to get done. I was just trying to distract myself. Why couldn't I go up to the restaurant? I grabbed my phone and started up the stairs. Half way up, I stopped. I turned and went back downstairs, dropping my phone on the table. The kids and I were going to play- without me on the phone, without anyone on an iPad, and without the distraction of the tv. I turned the record player on and went up to the restaurant. 

The kids had a restaurant set up where Henry was the server and manager and Isabelle was a server and singer. In a magician's outfit she sang and danced while Henry served me cinnamon coffee and escargot. As I drank my coffee Isabelle corrected my hands, showing me how to properly drink with my pinky extended. Mid meal, Henry gasped with excitement as he heard "Wipe Out" coming from the stereo. He informed us that the restaurant game was paused so we could go down to dance. Henry is working on playing this song in guitar lessons, hence his excitement. He jumped up on the couch and played his air guitar as Isabelle and I danced. When we got back upstairs I was told I needed to go to bed. As I was pretending to sleep, the kids decided we were going to play orphanage. Then family. Then circus. Then school. Then the restaurant again. 

It was simple. It was an hour. And, I felt amazing after spending uninterrupted time with them in a truly engaged manner. They calmed me down and helped me combat a bit of my anxiety. I can't control a lot of what is happening, but I can control how much I give of myself to my family. And you know what? That feels like joy. That feels like prosperity. Happy Spring! 

Beautiful Problems

I'm turning 35 sixteen days from now. It feels like a strange age and I'm not sure why. 30 felt weird too and I'm wondering how 40 will present. I guess it feels more important than 34, but not because I feel old. I think it may be because of where I'm at with life things. I'm pretty certain some changes will take place this year and they happen to coincide with this funny feeling I have about turning 35. 

Our youngest daughter, Isabelle, will turn five in April and enter kindergarten in September. This means I will reenter the workforce after staying at home for five years. Before staying home I was a middle school teacher. I'm not certain I will return to teaching right away, but I have no other plan. It's unsettling. I don't love this feeling. 

We also really need to sell our home. I'm turning 35 and we are still in our "starter" home. Now, with two children and growing amounts of stuff, we need to finish. I guess the unknowns that come with selling a home and buying a new one leave me unsettled. I don't love this feeling. 

But, when I throw on my "perspectacles" I see that these are beautiful problems to have. 

1. Nick and I worked really hard to figure out how I could stay at home until both kids entered school. That's amazing and so fortunate.

2. We have a home and the ability to try to sell it and start again. That's hopeful and not to be taken for granted. 

3. I've been given nearly 35 years. Beautiful.

I think it's okay to feel unsettled about my age, job, and my home. I think it means I will be pushed way beyond my comfort zone this year and I don't think that's all bad. I also think it's okay to challenge myself to be a better person. After reading a quote from a Facebook status today, I've made a decision:

"Kindness, like love, is salve and sustenance. It's magical too. You can give it away all day and never run out of it. "

Michael Kleber-Diggs

During my 35th year I am going to contribute to society and relationships by fulfilling 35 acts of kindness. By my birthday, I will make a list of 35 thoughtful ways I can spread kindness and I will spend the year fulfilling this promise. I'm inspired to do this for a few reasons. 

1. Katie Jones of Des Moines and former classmate, completed an act of kindness list for her 34th birthday. After reading about what she did (which was months ago) I really wanted to do the same. But, I couldn't bring myself to be as kind as Katie was and is. I'm ready now.

2. My family is my other inspiration. I tend to show kindness to strangers or acquaintances with ease and frequency.  I'm not sure I treat the people who live in my home or family tree with the same. I would like to devote more thought and kindness to those who mean the most to me. 

I feel inspired to do nice things everyday. I feel inspired to be a better person everyday. And, I feel so busy everyday and end up doing nothing. 

I would like that to change. 

 I would like to acknowledge that time is moving forward and change is inevitable. My hope is that I can use these moments of kindness to help me find balance and to keep my perspectacles clear and focused. 

The Conscience of a 7 Year Old

While driving last night, Henry told Nick and I that his friend, Danny "got a butt pear at school." When questioned about said butt pear he explained, "well, usually a pear is round on the bottom. but, today Danny's pear had a line down the middle like a crack so it looked like a butt. a butt pear." Obviously. 

When Henry told us this school tale he did so in a very matter of fact manner. He was just telling us what was on his mind and it was not related to anything that was happening at that moment. The mind of a seven year old is very interesting, very innocent. I love when Henry talks to me about what is really on his mind. Sometimes it is about butt pears, sometimes it is a bit more serious.

On the way home from school yesterday Henry, Isabelle, and I were discussing their school days and how it was too cold to have outdoor recess. We took the Maryland Avenue exit and were sitting at the red light. I looked to my left and noticed a man with a sign. The temperature reading on my car was -3 and the windchill was at least -15. I had a silent conversation with myself, wondering if I should look in my wallet and wave him over. I knew I had three dollars, but I continued to struggle with my conscience. Then, Henry spoke up from the backseat, "Mom! That man's sign says he needs help. Help him!" He was right. I called the man over and held out the three dollars. He reached for it with unmittened hands. I gave him mine, he said "God bless you," and we drove away.

It was just that easy. Henry's seven year old mind had no judgements about what the person's circumstances were or how the money would be spent. He saw someone asking for help and sought help. We had a conversation as we finished our drive home and I found myself explaining how important it is to be nice. When we can help, we help. When we can not, we hope someone else can. And, all without judgment because that is not our job. We all have bad days, weeks, years and have to ask for help. Maybe not by holding a sign by the highway, but we all need help and kindness at some point. I've asked for help many times and prayed that it would be given without judgment. I admire the non-judgmental conscience of my seven year old and I will always hear his voice say, "Mom! That man's sign says he needs help. Help him!" I will give some of what I have for absolutely nothing in return. I will show kindness. I will be nice. 

Update: 

After I wrote this blog post, my mother in law, Joni, mailed a package to my home. Inside I found a supply of brand new fleece gloves and hats. She included a note, "some to keep. some to give away." 

I first wrote this blog about a year ago and was reminded of its content and my mother in laws act of kindness when my good friend Heidi called me this morning. Heidi explained that she was just talking with a group of friends the other night about the blog and the importance of kindness. Additionally, she shared that she always thinks of the post and plans to buy some gloves and blankets to keep in her car for the winter season. Heidi urged me to share the blog again because it may inspire someone else to show compassion during this season of plenty. I am reminded of the quote from It's  a Wonderful Life:  "all you can take with you is that which you've given away." Heidi, this repost is dedicated to you and all of the kindness you share with the world. 

Today I Am Thankful

I managed to make it through the entire thanksgiving week without speaking a word of thanks. This is not a positive revelation for me. I realized I had missed this opportunity for reflection when I cleaned out Henry's backpack last night. I found a list of things Henry is thankful for: mom, dad, school, books, sister, etc. Oh, and "wearing soft pants, the Roseville mall, and the person who invented pillows." I thought about Isabelle and what she has mentioned being thankful for: her hair, herself and her dollies. Their own thankful hearts bring me a lot of joy and remind me that I haven't missed out. There is always time to express thankfulness- not just on thanksgiving. Today I am thankful. 

1. I am thankful for Thanksgiving. It is really lovely to be invited to someone's home to share a meal, especially thanksgiving. My aunt Beth and uncle Gaylen opened their home to our family as well as family from Willmar. It was a warm, festive time and I'm thankful to have a place I am welcomed:

Some were not present and their absence was felt. Cousin Jenn was in Willmar with her husband, mother and father, welcoming her first born. I missed my brother. Billy was in Des Moines as work kept him away this year. My sister and her family were in DC for the holiday, but were missed and with us in Barbie spirit:

Isabelle made a model of the Severn family as last seen at the beach. See the resemblance:

2. I am thankful for the Christmas spirit that is alive and well in our home. We decked the halls a few weeks ago so the kids are in full holiday mode. Isabelle asks, "is today Christmas?" every morning and the presence of the advent calendar is not helping. Today after lunch she was singing a song by the Christmas tree that went something like this, "Santa, I'm waiting for you, waiting for you to tell me the answer. Is Laru a boy or a girl?" Laru is our invisible elf who watches over the kids on behalf of Santa during December. Henry left his Christmas list out for Laru last night with a note:

To: Laru

May you please deliver this to Santa? Thank you. 

From: Henry 

I was thinking Henry might start to question things this year, but not yet. I am thankful that we all believe in the magic and have each other to share in the excitement and memories.

3. I am thankful for Nick, Henry and Isabelle. I am so lucky to share my days with them and even as we grow into new people each day, our values remain the same. Our bottom line does not change- we love each other and work to show one another kindness. Everyday. 

On a date:

On a cold morning:

Or through actions such as checking out a book during school library time to bring home to his sister. And then to read it to her:

I feel immense gratitude for all that I have in my family, near and far. I miss each of you so much because of the joy we share and memories we have made. 

I am able to write in a warm home, while one child naps, one works hard at school, and my partner is at his 9-5 job so that we can make our life work. Thankful.

I feel grateful for forgiveness. 

And for the person who invented pillows. 

I'm thankful that I am able to feel thankful. And, I'm glad that it is never too late to be thankful. It is something we should feel everyday because that is how we find joy and take stock of what is important. 

Synonyms for thankful:

Blissful. Joyful. Delighted. Gratified. Happy. Pleased . Satisfied. Tickled.